Monthly Archives

April 2012

Loss, Love

Must keep typing

April 30, 2012

I’m typing because everyone knows what will happen if I don’t. I’ll pick up the damn phone and I’ll press the stupid buttons and have a conversation that doesn’t fix anything and then cry until I’m ninety.

It wouldn’t even be the right conversation. My prediction is this one:

ME:
Hi.

HIM:
Hi. What’s up?

ME:
Oh you know, I’m just sadder than the population of SadLand and I wish my face would fall off so at least the crying would stop. What’s up with you?

HIM:
Nothing really, just playing Words With Friends.

ME:
You did ‘her’ and then ‘toned’. Are you trying to tell me something?

HIM:
What?

ME:
Are you leaving me because there’s someone else and she’s more toned than me? Why didn’t you just tell me?

HIM:
I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.

ME:
When are you coming home?

HIM:
I don’t think I am. Remember?

ME:
NO. That was an IMAGINARY conversation for IDIOTS. Come home right now!

HIM:
No.

ME:
Why are you doing this to me?

HIM:
I think I should go.

ME:
Don’t go! Please! I miss you! Come home!

HIM:
Bye Anna.

ME:
Everything I ever loved has been taken from me I can’t go on like this I’m going to overdose on Panadol and you will always regret it no one will ever love you as much as I do.

So you see, there’s no possible way I can stop typing.

The Other Things

Sunday night

April 29, 2012

I used to dread Sunday night. Everything from 4pm onwards felt like winding down, and there’s nothing I like less than winding down. The feeling of inevitable endings. I used to fear that moment at about 7pm on Sundays when the nighttime crept around and I knew the weekend was over. That the next thing was sleep and morning and Monday and school runs and traffic and being late. I would sit on the couch and will Sunday to run a little longer, with my eyes scrunched up and all. It never worked; the clock just ticked louder and louder until the sun rose and rudely shook me into the week ahead.

These days, I like Sunday night. When the kids are asleep, I can make myself a cup of tea and light a candle and look forward to the promise that Monday holds. And I mean that in completely the Oprah way. I like knowing that I haven’t screwed the day up yet. I like knowing that I can put socks on and the night will stretch out in front of me and I don’t have to do anything.

So right now, even though I’m sad, I’m wrapped up inside my Sunday night, and that’s the best place I could be.

Writing

But then writing poured out

April 28, 2012

“I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.”

Hang on, this isn’t what we rehearsed! Take it back! He’ll leave!

“I can’t – I hate it. We fight constantly. When we’re not fighting, I’m just waiting for us to start fighting. Even when it’s good. It might even be worse when it’s good because I know that any minute it won’t be.”

I’m not sure he’s really listening. He’s holding a book.

The words have spilled out of me in an ugly, clumsy dance. What I meant to say was Gaz, something needs to be done about this relationship, but now he moves to stand and reaches for his keys. I’ve asked him to go. I’ve told him that it’s not good enough.

And it’s true, but as the door closes behind him I am howling at his shadow.

I send him a text message almost as a reflex: I’m sorry, that was shit. His response is instant: I’m sorry too.

I tear myself to shreds wondering what that means. Is he sorry and is coming home? Is he sorry because he doesn’t love me anymore? Is he sorry because he knows that he’s an asshole? Is he sorry because he has plans to have me killed?

I write message after message, composing and deleting, wondering how much you can drip tears on a phone before it short-circuits.

What are you sorry for? No.

Come back and we’ll talk. No!

Eventually I throw out a little That’s good and put my phone in a drawer. I sit and watch the drawer for half an hour, wondering why it isn’t ringing.

I’m so desperate to call him that I’m not sure whether I am actually calling him without realising. I’m not. I don’t think. I’m about to. I pick up the phone. I call my dad. I call my brother. I say things like “just wondered what you were up to.”

It roughly translates to “I just wondered what he is up to.”

Which means something like “Why doesn’t he love me?”

I go to bed. I’m not sure why. The sheets are rough and scratchy and they smell like him. Is my phone ringing? No, of course it isn’t. Better look at it just to be sure. No, definitely not ringing.

I watch myself find his name in my list like I’m in a different body. I’m pressing the buttons. No, stop! My phone dialling self isn’t listening. His name flashes up on the screen.

It rings. Once. Twice. Eight times. Fourteen times.

I leave a bumbling voicemail message. Foolish. Pleading.

I know he’s not coming back.

Love, Writing

Writing is broken

April 28, 2012

It’s a funny thing, being too depressed to write. And by ‘funny’ I mean ‘so horrifically unfair and devastating’, P.S. I write much better about the sad things when I’m not sad (though it usually takes me a couple of days afterward to feel anything resembling unsad). When I’m this depressed, this is what my writing looks like:

OH GOD THE RAIN IS FALLING
LIKE MY TEARS
PLEASE MAKE IT STOP

So, not excellent.

It’s 8:30pm on a Saturday and I’m in bed. I was going to watch television to make me less sad, but I accidentally listened to some Lana Del Ray and knew I had to go to bed before I literally slammed my face in a sliding door.

Continue Reading…

Parenthood

Out of my depth

April 24, 2012

This afternoon I met with Georgia’s teacher again, to discuss the ongoing friendship and social issues that she’s having. More and more, she comes home from school with tears in her eyes and with her little shoulders slumped and that is just not on.

Part of me always hopes that her teachers will say, “No, you have it all wrong, she’s fine at school!” And sometimes they do, but today was not one of those occasions.

“The other kids do tease her,” the teacher said, and my heart dropped into the centre of the earth. “Usually not right to her face, but they talk about her to each other sometimes, and sometimes she does hear them.”

At this point I was glad for my sinus infection, because I could pretend I wasn’t crying.

“What can we do?” I asked, and for the first time I realised I had no idea what answer to expect.

Continue Reading…

In the news

Stop being so mental, you fucking idiot!

April 24, 2012

I am having a mental health day today. Sort of. I’m working, but I’m on my couch and I have a blankie. Also, I have a sinus infection and my face feels like tiny men are trying to punch their way out of it. So I guess it’s part mental health day, part actual health day and part doing work anyway day. But I digress.

Do you know who probably needs a mental health day? Matthew Newton. I’m no psychologist, but I am someone who has her own mental health issues and all I see when I look at that guy is the saddest of sadness. I’ve read a great slog of articles today, particularly ones that talk about his violence against women, and they make me vomit in my mouth a little. Not because we shouldn’t feel the greatest empathy for the people he has hurt (and especially the women) but because they don’t help. Anyone. Especially not further women who may be hurt.

Continue Reading…

Book Reviews, The Other Things

Book Review: The Mothers’ Group [SPOILERS]

April 22, 2012
13409069 (1)

The Mothers' Group

by Fiona Higgins
Allen & Unwin Australia 312 pages

In their words: The Mother’s Group tells the story of six very different women who agree to meet regularly after the births of their respective babies.

Following on from my last post, I’ve now finished reading The Mothers’ Group. The sheer volume of positive reviews spurred me on, and it is quite an easy read, one that I managed in a couple of days (days that included a terrifying afternoon at Intencity with 15 of Lily’s friends).

My thoughts on the story come with some (major) spoilers, so I’m going to sneaky them away behind this ‘Continue Reading’ link.

Continue Reading…

Parenthood

Mothers’ Group

April 20, 2012

I’ve just started reading the widely and highly acclaimed The Mothers’ Group. Obviously, this has given me cause to reflect on my own experiences with mothers’ groups.

When Georgia was a baby, I made a proper effort to make friends with other people with babies. I was twenty, and I had no idea how to do things with babies, so I sought others who would tell me what to do. I went along to my Maternal & Child Health Centre with the very, very best of intentions. I signed up for the First Time Mothers’ Group. I went to that group as if it were a religion.

I lived in Brighton when I had Georgia. Brighton is a beach-side suburb of Melbourne, where people are so rich that they don’t have to use indicators and some of them have servants. Neither of these things applied to me, I just wanted to be close to my parents whilst I tried to figure out what the fuck was happening to my life.

Continue Reading…

Parenthood

Mother Crime

April 19, 2012

I am a terrible, awful parent.

Lily was brushing her hair in the car on the way to school. That’s not The Crime, though it might sound like one. No, what happened after that was that Georgia thought Lily was brushing too slowly, so she grabbed the brush and started trying to brush it for her.

We pulled in to the carpark and I yelled. That’s the first part of The Crime.

“Are you brushing her hair for her?” I yelled.

“Yes.”

“Are you serious?” I yelled.

“Yes.”

Let her brush her own hair. Stop being so bossy!” I yelled.

She said nothing. And so came the second part of The Crime.

“Other kids won’t like it if you’re bossy!” I yelled.

The air temperature dropped as her little heart broke.

“Kids at school already don’t like me.”

Oh no.

I got out of the car and pulled her from her seat.

“Of course they do.”

“They don’t. They run away when I walk towards them.”

“I’m sure they don’t do it on purpose.”

“They do. They hate me.”

I realised that was all I had.

“I think you’re wonderful,” I said.

“Then why did you yell at me?”

Oh.

I am a terrible, awful parent.