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When I went to the clinic and then left again

I arrive at the clinic and feel the blood drain from my face. I want to be done with it, to feel relief and freedom, and I hate myself for it. Gaz has been agitated with me from the early morning, and to not feel his warm hands around me exacerbates how empty I feel.

This is the third time I’ve been to the clinic in the past month. I take my patient information form and try sitting in a different corner of the waiting room. I am crippled by terror and I make a desperate call to another clinic. – Please, I’m desperate, do you have any places today? I’m sorry, I don’t think we do. – I’m already at the other clinic and I just can’t do it, help me. – Come in at 1 and we’ll see if we can squeeze you in.

I run from the clinic to Gaz, who is sitting on the ground next to my car with a cigarette. He is lit up like a bushfire. He doesn’t look at me. My phone rings. – Hello, we’ve had a cancellation. Can you come in now? – Yes.

Slowing down

This morning I sat inside a cliche and breathed the air: a pond with floating Mallard ducks, a weeping maple and a half rotten park bench with a dedication to someone's lost love. I wasn't late for work, but I knew I could be. I was trapped in the soft sunrise, sleepy but kept awake by the crispness of the daybreak. I was vaguely aware of the garbage truck in the street and the traffic on Wattletree Road, pummelling and punching...

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When you’re depressed and people do nice things it feels weird

Warning: this is an update post about my Pozible project and you shouldn’t read it if you don’t want to.

Dear internet,

Sometimes, when you have depression and anxiety, things are a bit like this:

“WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING EVERYONE WITH ALL MY SHIT THEY DON’T CARE I’M INSULTING THEM BY EVEN THINKING THAT THEY MIGHT CARE DON’T WORRY I WILL JUST SEE MYSELF OUT OF THE PLANET.”

6:53am – bam, out the door!

You guys, the most incredible thing happened this morning. I'm struggling to process it even now, several hours later. Someone else took my children to school. This is how beautiful the sky looks when you get out of bed and no one says "Mum, I spilled the contents of the fridge on my last clean uniform, even that yoghurt that was the only thing you were looking forward to about your entire day!" I felt like a new person with my clothes all...

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I’ve stopped Pinning

I was suckered in, like many others, by Pinterest's proverbial flashing lights and spinning wheels, by which I mean its pictures of things more beautiful than anything I could ever hope to have in my own house. The beauty of it was simple: if I pinned these photos to some kind of public space wherein others could see what good taste I had, and then never invited any of those people to my actual house, I could maintain a fairly...

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A matter of priority and scones

“Yep, I’ll be there!” I say with the kind of conviction that wavers on a gut feeling. 2:30pm Friday. “I … think?” Surely nothing could be happening then. I must have it confused with some other day when important things that I must go to happen. I drive home. My brain jumps up and down, shouting at me to remember where the conflict is, the reason I need to skip out from work early tomorrow and can’t actually make 2:30pm.

I get to the door and struggle with the groceries because what I’m trying to remember is just out of reach and I can’t do two things at once because I am a Bad Parent.

“Oh, hello!” I say to my daughters, because it couldn’t possibly be related to them or anything I need to do for them.

“Mum!” the big one says, “look here in the newsletter! It’s the Mother’s Day afternoon tea tomorrow!”

Pozible: when I ask you for money but in a nice way

If you like to read the things that I write, and I hope you do, I have a project on Pozible that might interest you. Check it out » Sometimes I write things. Often, actually. I'm an oversharer. I write things on the internet that are personal and difficult to articulate. But instead of people telling me I'm being whiny and getting all in their face, they tell me they understand. We find common ground. People read the things that I...

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Good cop, bad cop

Last night we went out for dinner. We just went to the local pub, because that is "easy", and by easy I mean the worst thing you can possibly do. Georgia was fine, albeit a little on the nose. Lily and I had this conversation: ME: Hey Lily, please don't swing on your chair. LILY: [chair slips out from under her, she falls to the floor] I wasn't. ME: You literally just lied to my face while you were falling off your chair. LILY: Pretty sure I didn't. ME: You can...

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6 things I plan to sue my private school for

1. I got divorced I went to a presbyterian private school. It failed to teach me the value of being married in the eyes of God and staying together no matter what the circumstance. Now I just marry whoever is up for it all the time. 2. When I try to add things up at the supermarket, I always end up shooting people with finger guns and then getting arrested My school taught me to do mental arithmetic via a brilliant and socially...

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