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Why? Because fuck you!

There are mornings with children that are not unlike punching yourself in the eye over and over. Then there is this morning, which was a bit like if I'd dipped my fist in a bucket of acid piranhas covered in nails, and rather than just punching myself in the eye I had ground said fist backwards into my lower intestine. Three different people have since offered me chocolate, which means it's likely I'm literally crying without realising. And I ate that chocolate - for...

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A bit of first drafting

I go to Malvern to meet with a couple from New Zealand. They’re both gorgeous. I feel plain and unpleasant. He is a builder and a rugby player. She works in marketing. They have a Rottweiler. Their rugby friends come around a lot, they tell me, and I am pretty fine with that.

Panic stations!

Yesterday, Senator Mary Jo Fisher resigned to focus on her mental health. If there's one thing I can really get behind, it's spending time focusing on mental health. If I could afford it, I would spend pretty much all my time focusing on my mental health. In Fisher's case, people may have thrown back their heads and laughed uproariously at the idea of a panic attack causing someone to shoplift. "Nice one Winona!" they cried. "You're just in it for the...

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A man’s job

The oak door swung open, and a frantic man charged into the office. "Jack! Jack! My child is sick! The school just called me, I have to go pick her up immediately!" Until then, it had just been a normal day. At his desk, Jack head whipped around, flinging papers to the floor. "Oh Jesus, Simon! Is she okay? What happened?" He could hardly believe his ears. "It's ...

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Surprise – social media didn’t win The Voice for Sarah de Bono

As you and three million others already know, last night was part two of a staggered grand final of The Voice. In this sometimes singer's humble opinion, the winner on the night was in fact the one with the best voice, so, hooray! That's how it's supposed to work, right? Everyone sings, people vote for the person who sings better than the others, that person wins. Democracy! Applaud Karise Eden. What I didn't realise was that apparently Sarah de Bono was...

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“Calmer waters” in the blogosphere for the PM

An interesting thing happened in Twitterland last week. At short notice, influential social media users and bloggers - all women - began to murmur about how they had been invited to have morning tea with the Prime Minister, Julia Gillard. "Cool!" we said. "What's it for?" It would be fair to say that there wasn't a flurry of responses to that question, but the ones that did come back were a variation on the "to have a chat" theme. Considering Gillard...

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Paul McCartney’s fixing my hole

Dad came around today while Michael was cutting a hole in the wall, and began to sing (my dad has a song for every occasion, he's a proper dad like that). I must have been four, because we moved just as I started school. Dad had St Pepper's playing on vinyl in his poky study and we were dancing. He used to shoot video of everything we did, and that's how I always remember him - through the viewfinder of his...

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A picture says … my grandfather’s hands

I wrote this post for Kelly Exeter's "A picture says", because she is an angel. My grandfather had ugly hands. They were swollen with diabetes like red balloons and etched with scars from farm machinery. Three of his fingertips were missing. He told me he cut one off when he was chopping firewood as a kid. The others were lost to gangrene and weather and time. I was afraid of his hands. I never held them, even when he reached out for me...

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I cannot braid

Turns out I don't know how to braid hair. For some reason, I thought I did. I have a hazy memory of sitting on the floor in my dad's study, pushing old pantyhose into something resembling a braid. Maybe we were just eating biscuits though, since I also have a distinct memory of waking up on the morning my little sister was born and the sky was yellow and the sun was blue and I would swear breathless that actually...

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