When I arrived at work this morning and pushed open the door, I found myself inside a dense cloud. As I walked down the corridor, I heard a classic winter chorus: coughing, sneezing and loogie hocking. In stereo. The cloud followed me to my office, pointing its germy fingers in my eyes and trying to get its bacteria laden hands down my shirt. I raced to my desk, trying to erect a forcefield with my mind, but in actuality just sitting prone in a field of potential influenza.
Everyone in the office is sick. And instead of staying warm in their beds and becoming gradually un-sick, they come in to work and say things like “How am I? Oh lady, I am about to croak for real!” and “You wouldn’t believe the colour of the stuff that came out of me this morning!” Luckily, I brought my stash of gold medals with me, so I could hang them around the necks of all the heroes who came in despite clearly being at death’s door.
To combat this tradition of Hardening the Fuck Up and Coming to Work Anyway, I propose the implementation of an I Don’t Want to Get Sick Day. Like a Sick Day, it will allow the employee to take a paid leave of absence in order to extend the duration of their life. Knowing that it is flu season and that everyone in the office will be fighting it out to be Australia’s Next Employment Devotee, a staff member may opt out of working in the office to play Mario Kart (64, obviously) and not inhale the disgusting snot molecules of those around them.
We have a right not to get sick. I want to spend my weekends doing fuck all on the couch, not lying miserable in bed! Who’s with me?