Sometimes my mental illness offends people.
Like if I we’re having a conversation and I suddenly find it hard to make eye contact with you because on the other side of my eyeballs is my brain going, “Oh Jesus it’s hot in here! Is anyone else hot? I think I should lie down. Are we going to pass out? PROBABLY. LET’S GET OUT OF HERE. OH WE’RE HAVING A CONVERSATION WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS?” It’s not because I’m not interested in what you’re saying. I am.
Like if we’re eating lunch together and I can’t find any of the words I need because my brain has chosen to think about how we probably won’t be able to find the car afterward because I was too busy thinking about being nervous on my way from the car and who knows which aisle it was in? J? Eleven? Pink? Did we even drive here today? It’s not because I don’t want to say useful and insightful things to you. I do.
Like if I choose to leave part way through your panel because the walls are closing in and WOW THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE and I’m feeling a little wonky and has it always been this lopsided in this room? It’s not because I hate you and think that your panel is rubbish. It’s a good panel.
Like if I look like I’m leaving abruptly without saying goodbye because I’ve just remembered that outside is terrifying and I don’t want to be there and I just want to be in my own bed and I have to leave now right now not in ten minutes no I’ll be fine I just want to leave right now please. It’s not because I’m having a bad time in your company. I like you a lot.
This weekend I went to a blogging conference. Well, sort of. I went to part of a blogging conference.
I learned things about ebooks and parking at Docklands and gluten free bread. I had two dinners with truly excellent people.
But mostly I met people who were more than just not offended by these little displays of totally whacked out behaviour. I met people who were comrades in depression and anxiety and who had their own moments of crazy that only they could see.
Eden said it best as we tried to escape the closing walls of the underground carpark: “The physical world is bullshit!” And we had a few laughs because for some of us, the physical world is bullshit. But in those minutes we were in it and it was okay.
So it was a pretty good conference, really.
Photo by smileboothaustralia.com.au + some of my favourite people from the computers