The sound of one woman barking

The sound of one woman barking

Tonight, my 6-year-old and I had a conversation. You might know it.

SCENE
INT. ANNA’S DINING ROOM – ANNA, LILY

ANNA:
Here you go, I made you this incredible spaghetti. I poured my heart and soul into it. There are literally pieces of my heart in it. I made it for you because I love you.

LILY:
[indistinguishable]

ANNA:
You’ll really like it. I made it with most of the things you eat and then just a tiny, tiny bit of mushrooms because they’re good for you but there’s only about three. You’ll eat them, right?

LILY:
[indistinguishable]

ANNA:
Come on, just eat one. Just one! You don’t even have to chew it, I’ll just drop it down your gullet from up here.

LILY:
[indistinguishable]

ANNA:
I’ll move your jaw up and down for you so you don’t have to do any work. Just put a mushroom in your gob, sit back and relax. Go on. Just one. HALF, EVEN. JUST HALF.

LILY:
[indistinguishable]

ANNA:
If you don’t eat one mushroom I will throw out your favourite pink horse. Is that what you want? Do you want me to throw out that pink horse you love? I’m going to put it in the bin! Watch me! Here I go!

LILY:
[indistinguishable]

ANNA:
I AM. AND AFTER I THROW YOUR HORSE IN THE BIN YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT HAVING A BIRTHDAY PARTY. You will get zero presents and none of your friends will come over!

LILY:
[indistinguishable]

ANNA:
I’m not even joking! I’m going to call their mums right now! Look, I’m pulling my phone out of my pocket and I’m going to call them. I’m going to go into the other room to do it. WATCH ME. HERE I GO.

LILY:
[indistinguishable]

ANNA:
FINE. THAT’S IT. WE ARE NEVER DOING ANYTHING NICE EVER AGAIN. NO MORE PRESENTS FOREVER.

LILY:
[indistinguishable]

ANNA:
Okay, I’ll eat them. Don’t tell dad. Let’s watch a movie.

LILY:
[indistinguishable]