6 things I plan to sue my private school for
1. I got divorced
I went to a presbyterian private school. It failed to teach me the value of being married in the eyes of God and staying together no matter what the circumstance. Now I just marry whoever is up for it all the time.
2. When I try to add things up at the supermarket, I always end up shooting people with finger guns and then getting arrested
My school taught me to do mental arithmetic via a brilliant and socially acceptable game called Mental Shootout. Unfortunately, this is now the only way I can successfully complete mental arithmetic tasks. Shop clerks hardly ever play with me and it causes me embarrassment.
3. I don’t know when to take my blazer off
Years of being threatened with undercover uniform inspectors have left me with severe paranoia about the appropriate time to take off my blazer. Is it 5pm? Is it when I get home? Unfortunately I now feel that I have to keep it on in the shower for my own safety.
4. All other ovals now look small by comparison
I’m constantly disappointed by the size of the ovals I visit. My private school intentionally sabotaged my ability to enjoy moderately sized ovals by providing me with excessively large ovals.
5. People have unrealistic expectations of my level of awesome
Whenever I say “I went to this private school” people immediately assume that I must be incredibly awesome. Although I am moderately awesome, I consistently fail to meet their expectations. Unfortunately this means that most of the people in my life are disappointed most of the time.
6. I think my kids are lame because they go to a public school
I am ashamed to go out in public with them while they are in their public school uniform. Sometimes they say things like “We went on an excursion to the shops down the road” instead of “We went on a plane to our sister school in China” and I can barely hide my contempt for them. Sometimes I wonder if I really love them at all.