6 things I plan to sue my private school for – Anna Spargo-Ryan

6 things I plan to sue my private school for

6 things I plan to sue my private school for

1. I got divorced

I went to a presbyterian private school. It failed to teach me the value of being married in the eyes of God and staying together no matter what the circumstance. Now I just marry whoever is up for it all the time.

2. When I try to add things up at the supermarket, I always end up shooting people with finger guns and then getting arrested

My school taught me to do mental arithmetic via a brilliant and socially acceptable game called Mental Shootout. Unfortunately, this is now the only way I can successfully complete mental arithmetic tasks. Shop clerks hardly ever play with me and it causes me embarrassment.

3. I don’t know when to take my blazer off

Years of being threatened with undercover uniform inspectors  have left me with severe paranoia about the appropriate time to take off my blazer. Is it 5pm? Is it when I get home? Unfortunately I now feel that I have to keep it on in the shower for my own safety.

4. All other ovals now look small by comparison

I’m constantly disappointed by the size of the ovals I visit. My private school intentionally sabotaged my ability to enjoy moderately sized ovals by providing me with excessively large ovals.

5. People have unrealistic expectations of my level of awesome

Whenever I say “I went to this private school” people immediately assume that I must be incredibly awesome. Although I am moderately awesome, I consistently fail to meet their expectations. Unfortunately this means that most of the people in my life are disappointed most of the time.

6. I think my kids are lame because they go to a public school

I am ashamed to go out in public with them while they are in their public school uniform. Sometimes they say things like “We went on an excursion to the shops down the road” instead of “We went on a plane to our sister school in China” and I can barely hide my contempt for them. Sometimes I wonder if I really love them at all.

This post also appeared on Mamamia.com.au

7 Comments
  • Kelly Exeter

    May 17, 2012 at 8:37 pm Reply

    Bahaha – loooove your work.

    Am just going to go away and have a think now about what I should sue MY private school for! I am sure there’s plenty. How about this one – am going to sue them for encouraging and fostering my love of sport so much that I decided to study Human Movement at uni. All I got out of that degree was a husband … They should have encouraged me to study medicine instead!

    • Anna Spargo-Ryan

      May 18, 2012 at 11:31 am Reply

      Oh Kelly, the choices are endless! Maybe we should look at this as a potential new career option?

  • Malini Parker

    May 18, 2012 at 11:28 am Reply

    The first time I’ve laughed out loud reading anything at all! Great way to start the morning, thank you! :)

  • Sam Quigley

    May 18, 2012 at 10:21 pm Reply

    7. It should be “6 Things For Which I Plan to Sue My Private School.”

    Sorry, I’ll show myself out.

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    June 28, 2012 at 1:14 pm Reply

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