An anniversary of sorts – Anna Spargo-Ryan

An anniversary of sorts

An anniversary of sorts

This week marks five years since the only miscarriage I’ve had. I know that because Gaz took me away for my birthday, and when we got back the baby had died. I wrote about it once (and all the other times I wrote about it).

I don’t think about it often. Not as often as I promised I would. “I will think about thisĀ every single day for the rest of my life!” I promised. “I will cry every ten minutes until my eyes fall out!” I promised. “I will literally carve my sadness into every tree trunk!” I promised.

But after five years, I don’t do any of those things. I don’t think about it every single day. I don’t think about it every single week. Sometimes it slides past me in the hallway, a gentle sense that something is missing, and sometimes it grabs me as it goes and I feel the quick shock of remembering. Sometimes I catch it on the air or out of the corner of my eye or behind a creaky door. Sometimes I find it in the folds of soft linen or in the thick smell of meat or in the solid silence of midnight.

Sometimes, like today, I find it in the passing of time.

But I don’t cry every ten minutes, mostly. I just remember to remember.

 

8 Comments
  • Ben

    October 28, 2013 at 12:20 am Reply

    Yeah I remember too. X

  • Sarah

    October 28, 2013 at 8:28 pm Reply

    ‘sometimes it slides past me in the hallway’…I love your words. When we move away from the idea that to survive a loss we have to move through ‘stages’ we make ourselves open to just living with it the way we do. No rules. Remembering to remember is still remembering x

    • Anna Spargo-Ryan

      October 29, 2013 at 2:36 pm Reply

      Thanks Sarah :) I never expected that I would, but now that I have, I feel like I’m a better rememberer than when I was just consumed by grief and letting it destroy me, you know?

  • Karen

    October 29, 2013 at 2:34 pm Reply

    xxxxx love to you

  • Laura

    October 30, 2013 at 2:11 am Reply

    Anna, you are literally the most beautiful blogger around.

    Thank you for sharing so deeply and exquisitely.

    Laura x

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