Loss – Anna Spargo-Ryan


My grief cardigan

Like most people, I have accumulated many small griefs. They are time capsules, able to transport me back to what’s missing. In some ways, sometimes, I rely on it. In the minutes after my miscarriage, my grief was exquisite. I sat in an ultrasound room and



The bleeding starts on a Wednesday morning. We are sitting at the counter, and he is drinking coffee and I am drinking orange juice, and through the window we can see the breaking waves. We are drinking and watching and talking, and if I let


Just a funny little game.

My cat died today. But I won't believe it. So I wrote it into my story, so now it is fiction. ‘Have you seen Harriet?’ Ashok’s voice was short, urgent, his face pulled stricken, but hopeful. We would have an answer. We would know that she was safe.


An anniversary of sorts

This week marks five years since the only miscarriage I've had. I know that because Gaz took me away for my birthday, and when we got back the baby had died. I wrote about it once (and all the other times I wrote about it). I


Grandparents’ Day

Today was "Special Person's Day" at the girls' school, so we went out for breakfast with my mum and dad beforehand. Lily said the other kids are jealous because she has so many special people to choose from--my parents, Michael's parents and Gaz's parents. Six grandparents! I had two grandparents.



After the nurse leaves, I go outside and sit on a cobbled wall. The stones are cold. I call the only number I can remember. "Mum." She breathes at the end of the line. "Mum, the baby died." Minutes pass between us in a dull silence. It might be raining. "Mum?" Her



When I was 19, I was engaged to a man I had known for less time than it took the kettle to boil. We lived together in a tiny flat that backed against the train line and had a courtyard just big enough for the


My imagination Grandpa left me

Contains possible triggers I had another grandfather. His name was Dean. He died before I was born, in 1980. Dad always told me that he had died of lung cancer. Upon reflection, his story was changeable. "He had a kidney thing." or "He had a brain haemorrhage."